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The similarities between polar bears and humans # 2047

As a polar bear that is full integrated into the human world I have many human friends, the vast majority of which I have no intention of savaging. From talking to these friends over time I have been noticing more and more similarities between my behaviour and theirs.

One such similarity is our shared insistance of waiting until we are really, really busting to go for a pee before doing anything about it. I suppose that just means that we are both incredibly lazy.

Overheard in New York

Every now and again I come across a blog which makes me laugh so hard that a little bit of wee comes out. This one is called Overheard in New York and is a collection of bits of conversations that people have overheard.

My own personal favourite is the guy who overheard a couple talking about jolly people, and contains the line: "Jolly means fat with a beard." That's genius.

Uncle John tribute

To mark the one year anniversary of John Peel's death, a two disc compilation album is being released with some of the proceeds going to charities.

As with his shows of old, the album features a wide range of stuff, some of which you'll love and some of which you'll no doubt hate. And it is exactly because of that eclectic taste that made him such a great broadcaster and pretty much impossible to replace on the airwaves.

You don't win friends by eating salad

That's the first rule of being a Polar bear!

I'll remember your face

It's not easy being a traffic warden, you know. You should hear some of the abuse I get every day when drivers get back to their cars to find that I've just slapped them with a ticket. I don't enjoy being a traffic warden, I fuckin hate it. I only do it because the ladies seem to love the uniform.

Sometimes if the drivers are really apologetic and polite I take pity on them and let them off with the ticket, but if they are complete pricks I really have to bite my lip and hold back from riping their heads off their shoulders with my huge claws.

I've read the Traffic Warden's Code of Conduct from cover to cover and at no point does it say that I can kill a driver for giving me shit, nor can I beat the living crap out of them with my clipboard. Which is a crying shame.

So, next time any of you give me any stick and I just stare at you, be aware that I'm making a mental note of your face and thinking: "If you and me were in the wild now, as god is my witness, I would eat you."

You'll keep, fuckers!

On a lighter note, this site takes the piss out of the Glazier takeover of Manchester Utd, which is always funny in my book.

How you can tell you're getting old

Having recently turned 30 I've been surprised by how little the experience has affected me. I certainly don't feel any older, I don't feel wiser, I don't drive any slower and I still despise jazz with a passion. But there's one thing I've noticed that I'm not too happy about and that's the state of my bladder.

During my 20s I used to wake in the morning and casually stroll to the bathroom and start the day naturally. However, since turning 30 I'm more often than not rudely awoken by my bladder - usually at stupid o'clock - desperate for a pee. And we're not talking about a feeling that you can just ignore, I mean I'm absolutely busting. It's not good.

And it's not just me either. I've spoke to friends of a similar age and they are exactly the same. They too are punished by their bladders for having the audacity to drink more than three glasses of water a day.

I'm also told that as you head into your late 30s you start waking in the middle of the night to spend a penny. That sounds awful.

If all goes to plan I should be pissing the bed by the time I hit my 40s. At least that's something to look forward to.